i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
