In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
