i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
