so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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