Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The power of my boobs compel you
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
