Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
