dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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