So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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