I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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