I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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