I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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