I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
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Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
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THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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