Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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