just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I have fence marks all over my body
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
