Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
