my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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