I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
