Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
