I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
