I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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