Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
