I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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