hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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