I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I love having hate sex.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
did you just send me my own nude
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
