Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
