I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
it's great music for shaving your balls
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
