worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
