Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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