So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
