WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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