It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
