Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
