At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
