Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
