I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
