Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
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This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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