why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize
