Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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