I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
