you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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