If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
