I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Randomize
