you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
