Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
