Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
