You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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