I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
