He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
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