Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
