remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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