oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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