So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
