I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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