I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
