My friends, they love my intelligence
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
