Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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