Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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