So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
