I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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